Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Adults

If you haven’t read the previous two posts in this series on anxious-preoccupied attachment and dismissive-avoidant attachment, then I would highly recommend going back and reading those before you read this post. In some ways, fearful-avoidant attachment is like a blend of the other two insecure styles. If you have read those posts, you might be confused about how a person could blend those two seemingly opposite styles. But suppose you’ve ever been with a partner who’s displayed these characteristics or been the partner showing them yourself. In that case, it might come as a huge relief to know you’re not alone in experiencing this roller coaster of emotions.

What does fearful-avoidant attachment behavior look like?

•        Low view of both self and others. Anxious attachers typically have a low opinion of themselves, and dismissive attachers usually have a low idea of others; fearful attachers experience the worst of both worlds.
•        Desire to get emotional needs met in a relationship. Unlike dismissive attachers, fearful attachers realize that a healthy level of dependence on another person is a good thing.
•        Desire not to get hurt. Although they desire a secure relationship, their low opinion of themselves and others doesn’t let them believe that a secure relationship is possible. They’re convinced that they’re not worthy of another person’s love and that any partner will eventually leave them and cause them pain. Therefore, they’re very fearful of the very thing they want. In counselor Matthew Hunt’s words, “They have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.”
•        Strong reluctance followed by strong anxiety. Though all fearful attachers are different, there is a relationship pattern that is not unusual for them as a group: First, they’re very hesitant to start an official relationship. They might want to prolong the initial “honeymoon” stage of a relationship indefinitely without labeling it to minimize chances of future heartbreak. But suppose their partner convinces them to start an official relationship. In that case, they’ll go into anxious attachment mode, perhaps becoming “clingy” or untrusting because their worry about eventual heartbreak hasn’t just gone away. Essentially, they display characteristics of both anxious and dismissive attachers; they might cling in one season and flee in another.
•        Reluctance to share their deepest feelings. Fearful attachers believe that revealing their true selves will result in their partner not loving them anymore.
•        Reluctance to end relationships. Because they’re sure they won’t find someone who loves them again, if fearful attachers actually allow themselves to get involved in a relationship, then they will often stay in it even if they’re not really happy.

How is a fearful attacher made?

Experts believe there are many different behaviors from childhood caregivers that can lead to children developing fearful attachment (and carrying it into adulthood). Dr. Hal Shorey explains that fearful attachers frequently had at least one caregiver that showed “scary parental behavior.” In other words, when the child experienced any kind of distress or fear, the reaction they received from their caregiver was not helpful. In fact, their caregiver might have even been a source of pain or anxiety.

According to Shorey, this might include anything from outright abuse (physical or otherwise) to milder or more subtle hostility. He even explains that unintentional “scary parental behavior,” such as a caregiver dealing with a severe mental illness, can lead to a child developing fearful attachment. A caregiver with a mental illness might not be trying to cause their child anxiety and might be really sad to know that their condition is creating this effect. However, the child still can’t understand that caregiver’s behavior and therefore feels anxiety about it.

What can I do about my fearful-avoidant attachment?

First, if you’ve recognized yourself as a fearful attacher from reading this post, then good for you! Many people don’t understand that their relationship problems are part of a pattern of behavior and destructive thought processes that they have, so they can never solve them. If you’ve recognized this, then you’ve already taken an essential first step! Definitely consider seeking out a therapist who has experience with attachment theory. If that’s not an option for you, or if you’d also like some practical options for what you can do until you get a chance to start that therapy, consider these ways you can help yourself work toward secure attachment:

•        Don’t assume that your feelings about your relationship are the same as the truth about your relationship. I’ve given this advice in every insecure attachment style post, but that’s because it’s relevant to every kind of insecure attachment. Because your brain is programmed to assume that any close relationship will end badly, it’s very possible that you’re not interpreting all of your partner’s actions and statements accurately. You’re seeing them through the lens of your own insecurities.
•        Remember that it’s okay for relationships to evolve in stages. If you fear that opening up your true self will result in your partner leaving you, then feel free to do so very gradually. Intimacy isn’t a race. If it helps you stay in a relationship that’s good for you rather than running away from it, just tell your partner that you’ll take your time in revealing yourself and that you’re working on it. In fact, if you do reveal things you feel vulnerable about before you’re ready, then you’re more likely to fall back into old patterns and flee the relationship. You’ll feel like you’ve revealed too much and are bound to be abandoned soon.

       Practice actually accepting expressions of love. For a fearful attacher, if someone expresses love for you, your default reaction is probably to think, “You just think you feel that way because you don’t really know me yet.” When you hear yourself thinking this, stop immediately, replay the person’s expression of love again, and this time try to believe that it’s true. You probably won’t be entirely successful at this the first time. But it’s about stopping your negative thoughts about yourself one day at a time, and you’ll never make progress at this if you don’t practice.

Just a reminder: If you’ve been interested in this series on attachment styles generally and want to read more, there are lots of great books you can consult for further reading. To start with, try Jeb Kinnison’s Bad Boyfriends (which, despite what the title sounds like, is relevant for both men and women) or Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love.

If you think you or your partner has an fearful avoidant attachment style and you’d like to talk more about changing that, you can call us at (305) 501-0133 or click here to schedule a free 20-minute Clarity Consult .